In the eighties and nineties there existed a sad idea- that women have to choose. Choose what? Choose anything. The idea still exists today. Somehow it’s become lame for women to want marriage and babies, and cool to follow their dream career. Family, career, family, career. How does one choose?

My answer is- we don’t have to CHOOSE anything! My tale is this:

I’m a good mix of girly girl and ambitious woman. I want the cuddling, the romance, the adorable babies. I also want to do activities that make me feel fulfilled, that get me excited, that stimulate my noggin. Along the way, I’ve learned two important lessons.

First, cuddling and romance are AWESOME, yet cyclical and unstable. You can’t throw all your eggs into that basket. That is, you can’t bank all of your joy onto a man! But you also can’t remove those desires from your life. Love and romance and children are very necessary, natural, and important. When wounded, we all want to put up a strong armor. It’s okay to do that on occasion, but pushing so hard against your natural romantic tendencies will only leave you cold and bitter, not happy and free. So let yourself be a doe-eyed teenager, as long as you know this guy isn’t the solution to all of your problems.

Second, feeling fulfilled is the key to a happy life. Fulfillment is personal to everyone, and it also changes constantly. If a sweet job fulfills you, it may not fulfill you a year from now when the “beginner’s brain” has dulled, and you’ve gotten bored. If taking a long walk in the park makes you happy today, tomorrow it may be the last thing you want to do. As a woman, I’ve learned my needs and desires are always in a state of evolution. I cannot say “a career will make me happy” because I have no real idea. I also can’t say “family will make me happy” because I have no real idea.

There is no choice between family and career. You can have both, and life will open up the opportunity to have both at the right time. The idea is to feel okay with what you want NOW. That’s what feminism is to me.