Feel.Good.

The problem with the world isn’t all the horrific crime, poverty, or trauma people inflict on one another. It’s actually the people who are way too cool to turn an eye in that direction. They’re the ones who spend way way too much time worrying about how to dress, speak, act, behave, and live like a “normal” person. They’re the ones who are convinced that there actually exists a standard normal. The striving towards “normal” makes them feel safe, connected, and/or important. It’s also an excuse to shame and guilt oneself and others for failing to meet up to “normal”. 

The thing about the cool people of this world isn’t that they’ve necessarily had easy lives, sometimes the truth is far from it, but it’s more that they’re in utter denial of the imprisonment of shame and trauma in which they live. Or other people live. They’re the people who when you talk to them will end a conversation riiiight at the point where they will need to reveal a vulnerability or secretly held dream or tenderness. Like no one can possibly empathize. 

One thing I’ve always prided myself on is being an “other”. Sometimes it’s a label thrust upon me, and other times it’s self-imposed. Being an other, a loser, a contrarian, a bohemian, a radical, a liberal, an outsider has put me in the unique position of seeing things pretty clearly. That’s cause I’m often looking from the outside in. And what I see is this: far too many people are walking around masking their pain with the quest for coolness and normalcy. Then they inflict this pain onto their friends, family, and then worst of all their offspring. And the cycle continues. 

It’s not a surprise that the most wounded of us humans, the severely abused and neglected, that often become the true leaders and healers for humanity. These people have no choice. Their pain is too great to cool or normalize it away, the scars are too visible. I applaud anyone and everyone who has the courage to use their pain to help others, to turn shame into healing and lend a voice to things that matter. You are a Buddha, a Christ, a prophet, a goddess, an angel, sometimes a devil or a demon, but you change this place for the better. Thank you!!!!!!

We all have our habits. Sometimes these habits get in the way of something else we want or hurt other people. In those cases, I guess these habits are addictions. Habits/addictions take many forms: alcohol, food, sex, porn, drugs, controlling behavior, overworking, no-strings attached dating, television, internet, shopping, gambling, repeating the same thoughts over and over again, going the same route to work everyday, etc. Then again, these could all be good things, it just depends on whether or not the habit is getting in the way.

What could it be getting in the way of? Oh, anything: love, intimacy, closeness, success, prosperity, good sex, freedom, self-actualization, etc. 

So what usually happens is that when we cannot get these wonderful things we want for one reason or another (often reasons we are unconsciously passing on from parents or society) is we go for the quicker fixes. Or we feel bad and we blame ourselves for sucking too much or being too gross or stupid to get what we want and we feel ashamed. And THEN what often happens because of meanness or judginess or twisted religion is that the very act numbing/drugging the shameful feelings is shamed. And the shame cycle continues.

So what to do? Well, many people try to fix their addictions. They vow to go on a diet, to quit smoking weed, to stop looking at porn. But then what happens is that they feel really shitty and realize, HEY! I HAD THAT SWEET ADDICTION FOR A REASON! Hello! And then they feel bad that they can’t shake it. That is the standard course of events, and I say, hey, there must be a better way!

The only way to ‘cure’ your addiction is to see it for what it is: something you’ve intelligently developed to soothe a bigger pain. And guess what? That pain…everyone has it in one form or another. It’s usually something that happened to you as a kid or kept happening to you into adulthood. And we all have this something, and often it’s really mundane like “my dad called me stupid” or “my mom was insecure”. Sometimes it’s bad abuse. But it’s irrelevant what it was or is. What matters is how to heal it.

How do you heal the bigger pain? Well, NOT through making yourself feel bad for the addictions! You have this pain because you think something that wasn’t your fault IS your fault, so how will you heal that by making yourself feel even worse? Seriously! 

What you need to do is make yourself feel as good as possible as often as possible in the realest ways. Give yourself what I already mentioned above: love, intimacy, closeness, success, prosperity, good sex, freedom, self-actualization, etc. You may feel unworthy at first, so start small. 

Here are some suggestions to start:

• groom yourself
• take a warm bath
• take a walk through nature
• reward yourself when someone has been mean to you
• make a new friend, even if it’s online
• hug someone
• buy a pet
• make a list of things your are honestly grateful for even if it’s something lame or taboo like “i’m thankful that no assholes called me today.” that’s your truth.
• fantasize about fun things you can do. plan to do one of those things.
• exercise in a way you enjoy

Then you can move onto deeper things like spirituality, therapy, yoga, meditation, etc. All of these methods pretty much retrain your brain and body to think and feel new things. They expose you to minutes and hours of positive thoughts, support, and endorphins so your brain chemistry LITERALLY CHANGES. If you’re not ready to change, though, your brain will resist the new neural pathways. 

Eventually you will realize that millions of people have overcome pain and trauma, and so can you. You will let go of any thoughts and behaviors that do nothing for your advancement and happiness. In the end, you will be strong enough to handle literally anything the world throws at you. And the world will feel and look completely beautiful. 

Happy New Year!

(c) vaniamarita

Imagine that all your negative, stressful, worrisome thoughts are bad energies buzzing around you. Sometimes, though, the really bad ones are IN you. They were lodged there, like viruses, when you were completely defenseless. You can rid yourself of the ones buzzing around you in a swoop of the hand. say this gently: go away. And smile. Yelling at them will only bring more in.

But the ones living IN you are a little trickier. You gotta get really quiet and listen to what they’re saying. When you feel icky or wonky or scared, that’s how you know they’re talking. When you realize it’s them, you can then start to hear yourself. The real you isn’t icky or wonky or scared. She (or he) is funny, happy, and loving. Make your voice LOUDER AND LOUDER. Shout it from the mountain tops! FEEL the difference.

It is only when you realize this that your eyes will open to what life is really about. :)